Joke Thread [Archive] - Spearfishing Planet

Wayward Son

07-26-2007, 10:18 AM

Redneck Logic
Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.' Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Bubba says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.' 'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.'

'Yes, I do have a wife.'

'And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.' 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.' Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Jim Bob says, 'What's that?'

Bubba says, 'I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'

Wayward Son

07-27-2007, 11:56 AM

The Hillery Nutcracker ..Just in time for the hollidays!

http://www.hillarynutcracker.com/HillaryART/HCrackA.jpg

http://www.hillarynutcracker.com/completelynuts.html

Marcus

07-27-2007, 12:17 PM

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

Wayward Son

07-27-2007, 12:19 PM

http://boortz.com/images/funny/redneck_pics_shopping.jpg

grim reefer

07-27-2007, 02:18 PM

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice".

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,
"In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink
with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
drink,
throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and
the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a
refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs
that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless America and REDNECK WOMEN!!!

Wayward Son

07-27-2007, 02:40 PM

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

Prodigal Son

07-27-2007, 02:59 PM

...The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
drink,
throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and
the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a
refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs
that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless America and REDNECK WOMEN!!!

:(

Illicit

07-27-2007, 06:01 PM

One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart attack, dies, and immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over, he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Wayward Son

07-28-2007, 10:49 AM

The wife was getting very concerned about her husband's not wanting sex anymore.
So, to spice things up some, she wore a pair of crotchless panties when he came home from work, kissed him on the cheek and whispered into his ear, "Do you want some of this?"

And he said, "Are you kidding? Look what it did to your underwear!"

Wayward Son

07-28-2007, 09:09 PM

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A BITCH

Wanna Be

07-29-2007, 02:39 AM

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed you are. In front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer below:

Get off the merry-go-round [carousel], you're drunk again.:beer:

Wanna Be

07-29-2007, 02:44 AM

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMAN'S PERFECT REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNDERSTANDING A WOMAN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Odie listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ......... "HEBREWS"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests .

Skyway Gray

07-29-2007, 08:18 PM

What did the Lesbian Vampire say to the other one?

See you next month!!!

Wayward Son

08-01-2007, 07:24 PM

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE
BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER
DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:
"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS
IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND
LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS
DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT
SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND
THIS IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND
LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING
FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
SIPPING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM
ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY. THE WIFE ASKED?

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

tomt

08-04-2007, 10:15 PM

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Gary H

08-10-2007, 12:17 PM

Passed down from generations of our wise forefathers and foremothers:

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling
water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove
itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
using the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Bill McIntyre

08-10-2007, 09:31 PM

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: "Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever
feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly-sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white-wine-
and-onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't think so."

Wayward Son

08-16-2007, 02:04 PM

To all Pet Owners

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when

they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1 They live here. You don't.
2. If you don' t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Dr Poon

08-16-2007, 11:47 PM

So these two firemen are B*ttf*cking in a smoke-filled room.
The chief chops his way in, sees whats going on and asks "what the hell are you doing?"
Fireman 1 says "Im treating him for smoke inhalation"
Cheif says "you're supposed to give CPR for that!"
Fireman 1 says "How do you think this sh*t got started?"

:FIREdevil:

Kahuna

08-17-2007, 04:18 PM

This mealy little white guy walks into the elevator.

Behind him walks in this HUGE black guy.
The black guy notices the little white guy staring at him and with a sigh says
"I am 7 feet tall and weighs 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch unit and each one weighs 3 pounds and I's Turner Brown" .

And with that the little guy passes out.

The black guy neverously shakes the little guy and he wakes up. He looks at him and says." I saw you staring at me so I thought I would answer the questions I always get asked before you bothered to". All I said was I am 7 feet tall and 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch unit and each one weighs 3 pounds and I's Turner Brown."

" Oh sweet Jesus" the little man said. " I thought you said turn around"

Dr Poon

08-18-2007, 01:14 AM

Whats the first thing a married woman does when she gets home from her spousal abuse support group meeting?

The dishes, if she knows whats good for her.

:biggrinangelA:
(just kidding ladies)

Wayward Son

08-18-2007, 07:48 PM

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

Wanna Be

08-18-2007, 08:45 PM

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing Karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I Have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now, as I have work in the morning.

Cherokee Spear

08-21-2007, 05:08 PM

This one is for those of you who have kids...

A mother with two boys has been trying very hard to stop her children from using curse words, so she decided today is the right time to start a little discipline..

She wakes, gets the boys up and heads to the kitchen to whip up some breakfast.. As the children come in and sit at the table she asks the first child, "What do you want for breakfast?" To which he replies: "I want some G#% D#%N Rice Crispies!" Since she had already made up her mind about discipline, she snatched him up by the arm and wore his ass out! He started crying and ran to his bedroom. So now she looks at the next boy and asks, "What do you want for breakfast?" He quickly replies, "You can bet your sweet ass I don't want any Rice Crispies!" :eek:

BayonetPoint

08-22-2007, 04:40 PM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says:

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax, let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .......

..........let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box shall we"

Wayward Son

08-24-2007, 11:05 AM

Another View of Creation

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
Earth with Broccoli, Cauliflower and Spinach, green and yellow and red
Vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live Long and Healthy Lives.
~
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And
Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
~
And God created the healthful Yogurt that Woman might keep the Figure that
Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
~
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic
toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the
repast.
~
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables, and olive oil in
which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it
needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol
went through the roof.
~
So God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it " Angel Food

Cake," and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
~
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those
extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to
toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the
flickering blue light and gained pounds.
~
Then God brought forth the Potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
~
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double Cheeseburger. Then
said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size
them!" And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man Went Into Cardiac Arrest.
~
God Sighed and Created Quadruple Bypass Surgery.
~
Then Satan Created HMOs.

Speareasy

10-02-2007, 03:15 AM

This is an old eastern European joke, I hope it makes sense the way I translate it. I don't know why it came to my mind now.

A little shit and a big shit are walking down the street. They're bored so the little shit says to the big one "Let's go get into a scrap" The big shit says "OK let's go". So they keep walking down the street and see a third shit sitting on the sidewalk, it says "Where are you shits going?" so the little shit says "We're going to look for a scrap!" The third shit says "I want to go too" so they say OK and now the three of them are walking down the street. They come up on a diarrhea hanging out in a parking lot. The diarrhea also asks them where they're going and then says "I want to go too", so the little shit says "Naw man, we only want hard guys." :D

Relapse

10-02-2007, 07:58 PM

Wayward Son

10-04-2007, 07:39 PM

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding
she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that
her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire
night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the
expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens
and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she
prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds
are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, and you guessed it - Wally is back
again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more
"action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.
You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:

........."You mean I was here already?"

Speareasy

10-04-2007, 07:51 PM

LOL

Seaweed

10-04-2007, 09:54 PM

I have a short joke that I have never heard anywhere except from where I got it.

Why do Jews have such big noses?

Because air is free.:)

bgbill

10-04-2007, 10:15 PM

I have a short joke that I have never heard anywhere except from where I got it.

Why do Jews have such big noses?

Because air is free.:)

What an ***********************************.

Marcus

10-05-2007, 12:34 AM

You Jewish, Bret? :D

Regardless, that's distasteful.

Rolo

12-17-2007, 12:16 PM

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the
first time. The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna
wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked. The first replied,
"Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a
conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange
panties."

Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked. The second lady answered,
"Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the
oshun, dey can see me first."

The third lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties..... "What? No
panties?" the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first."

schoolie

12-17-2007, 01:32 PM

#1) A reporter asks Paul McCartney."After the messy divorce,will you ever be going down on one knee again?" Sir Paul replies,"I would prefer it if you called her Heather."

#2) A man walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He orders the nurse to open the vault."But, sir!" she says"Its a sperm bank!" "Open it now!" he demands. She opens the vault,and it is full of test tube samples."Drink it,"orders the guy."But its sperm!"she pleads."Do it!" So the nurse downs the sample."Take that one there and drink it too,"he continues. The nurse does as she is told.Finally,after four samples the man takes off his mask. It's her husband."You see!" he says."Was it really that bad?"

#3) A 90 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup."I am going to need stool and urine samples," says the doctor. The old man thinks it over for a moment and then says, "How about I just give you my underwear?"

#4) A guy is driving down the street in search of a parking spot.He looks up and says"Lord,if you give me a spot ,I will swear off booze for life". Just then a parking spot appears. The man looks up again and says,"Never mind-found one!"

#5) A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man."What the hell are you doing?"he screams.
"See,"the wife says to her lover,"I told you he was dumb."

*These are obviously off color jokes and certainly not for kids.I was wondering though, why is the Hebrew joke sooo bad and not the black jokes or the redneck and blond jokes.Whats the difference really? I don't think any of the women jokes are meant too offend and I find them funny.It's just jokes man!:smthumbup:

Wayward Son

12-17-2007, 11:08 PM

http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e163/sfarish/th_oops.jpg (http://s39.photobucket.com/albums/e163/sfarish/?action=view&current=oops.flv)

Another Chinese product recalled

Capt.Gene

12-18-2007, 12:00 AM

A China man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender says,"Wow! Where did you get that?"
Parrot replies, "China,there's millions of them, there all over the place!":o

Wayward Son

12-21-2007, 11:42 AM

From a man who felt everything was piling up on him...

"I was feeling depressed last night, so I called for help from one of those hot lines. I was connected to Pakistan for some reason. When I told the person on the other end of the phone that I was depressed and contemplating suicide, he got very excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck..."

WonderBoy

01-17-2008, 03:56 PM

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Kaan

01-17-2008, 05:00 PM

now this is funny:lol:

Firemedic247

02-15-2008, 04:16 AM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was
in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his
groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broke.

Choke Fish

02-15-2008, 07:06 AM

I got the best one!

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "Im looking for the man who shot my paw!" :toast:

WonderBoy

02-18-2008, 02:46 PM

As we approach St. Patrick's Day, for whom I bear my middle name, I feel it only necessary to keep up with the irish jokes....

One day, an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorra," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed. "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too”!

M Diesel

02-19-2008, 10:36 AM

Wonderboy that's a good one!!!!!

I just got this one in my email and thought it was funny.

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
...

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

Huntinfish

02-19-2008, 04:09 PM

One night little Johnny snuck upstairs to his parents bedroom and peaked thru the crack, to his amazement he saw his naked mother bouncing on top of what appered to be his naked fathers belly.

The next morning he comfronted his mother about what he saw the evening before.

His embarrassed mother replied "I was trying to deflate you fathers rather large belly"

Johnny said " That will never work, because as soon as you leave, the lady next door comes over and blows him back up"

Gunny

02-19-2008, 04:17 PM

he he

Marcus

02-20-2008, 10:15 AM

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? California ? Oregon ? Switzerland ? Most believe it originated in Switzerland , but here's the real version.

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland . Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So, she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOOOOO."

WonderBoy

02-20-2008, 10:48 AM

Sorry I missed yesterday. We are T-29 Days!

3 Englishmen walked into a pub and saw an Irishman sittin’ by himself mindin’ his own. One of the Englishmen walked over and said to the Irishman "St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman looked up, said "Ok", and continued drinking, and the Englishman walked back to his buddies disappointed. The second limey said "I’ll get him riled up for sure", and walked over and said "St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!". The Irishman looked up again and said "Ok", and continued drinking. The third Englishman wanted a go, and walked over to the Irishman, and said "St. Patrick was an Englishman!", and the Irishman looked up and said "Yeah, that’s what your buddies were tellin’ me".

Kahuna

03-06-2008, 01:41 PM

Little Johnny opens his parents bedroom door late one night and catch's mom and dad in the act. Dad is laughing his ass off and mom is all embarassed.

A few days later Dad's walking down the hall and looks in Grandma's room and Johnny has her bent over going at it. Dad yells " Johnny what in the hell do you think you are doing/"" Johnny looks at him and says " Not so funny when its your mother is it?""

Marcus

03-06-2008, 02:11 PM

:lol:

Thanks, I haven't heard a new Little Johnny joke in a while.

WonderBoy

03-06-2008, 02:36 PM

An old Irishman go’s to the doctor one day cause he’s feelling a wee bit ill. After the tests and such, the doctor tells him, "I got a bit of bad news for ya, you got cancer, and you’ve only 6 months to live." the old irishman’s like "ai, alright" so he goes back home, see’s his son and tells him, "ai lad, I’ve got some bad news for ya, im gonna die in 6 months, I came down with cancer. So why dont we go down to me pub, and have are selves some beers." the son goes, "oh ai, ok, lets go" so they’re down there drinking and what not, when the old mans fellows come around, the old man announces his new, "Ai lads, me commrades, I’ve got horrible news for ya, I’ve got AIDS, and I’ve got but 6 months to live" every makes their toasts and calls it a night. When the old man and his son get home, the sons like "dad, I thought you had cancer?" and the old man goes, "Ai, I do, but you dont want them boinking your mom when im gone do ya?"

JLittle44

03-26-2008, 02:36 PM

A Woman's Perfect Day

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed-freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 22lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk-says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed; freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

A Man's Perfect Day

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast-steak and eggs, coffee and toast-all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Peringon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news-Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner-lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

barnaclebill

04-01-2008, 06:17 PM

Got this in an email.

The Joy Of MREs

All About Military Food
For those who have "savored" an MRE, they will laugh out loud. For those who have not, run out and try some just for the cheap evening thrill. It will bring hours of entertainment.

GOD LOVES THE MARINE CORPS

MRE dinner date, the following is a story told from the point of view of a young Marine.

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat.
Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-ala- King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken-ala-King, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like
Velveeta) and added some gre! en sp rinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt ).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is EXPENSIVE...
my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups.
She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!! !"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kinda balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?!

Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh-oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin!

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I rogered, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know... I'm an ***********************************, but it was still a funny night.

JLittle44

04-09-2008, 11:17 AM

A woman was in a coma. She had been there for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of
Them was washing her private area when she noticed there was
a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. She
tried it again, and sure enough there was a small recognizable
movement.

The nurses went to her husband and explained what happened,
Telling him,"As crazy as it sounds, maybe a little oral sex will
Stimulate her enough to bring her out of her coma."

The husband was skeptical, but when they assured him that they
would close the curtains for privacy, he finally agreed and went
into his wife's room.

After a few minutes, the woman's monitor flatlined, no pulse,
no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room."What happened ?!?,"
they asked.

The husband said," I'm not sure. Maybe she choked???"

medical-gun

04-11-2008, 08:16 PM

Huntinfish

04-15-2008, 08:02 PM

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....some ***********************************'s got my pen!'

Wayward Son

04-24-2008, 11:26 PM

My Surgery

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was Jenny.

But after several weeks, my penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

I became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing,and even walking. So Jenny and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, though rare, my condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Tom be on crutches?" Jenny asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said Jenny coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

JLittle44

06-05-2008, 11:27 AM

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra and the doctor
told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.

Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be
here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I have to
have a double dose.

The doctor finally relented saying, 'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to
come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side
effects.'

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up'.

Wayward Son

06-05-2008, 10:42 PM

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's
Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely
set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in
search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about, dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh,
don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to
that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a
mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid
to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so
slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I
began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if
you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through
the store toward the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand-mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, " Oh my God!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to ever return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Wayward Son

06-05-2008, 10:56 PM

Johnny was in school one day and the teacher was giving the class a lesson about mammals. At the end of the lesson the teacher told the class that an interesting fact is that of all the mammals on earth the human is the only mammal that stutters.
Right away Johnny's hand goes up and the teacher asked him if he had a question.
Johnny tells the teacher that that is incorrect as his mother once had a cat that stuttered.
The teacher tells Johnny that that was very interesting and asked if he would like to give the class an explanation.
Johnny tells the class that one day he opened the back door to let out his mothers cat. At about the same time as his mothers cat reached the bottom step the neighbors rottwieler jumped over the fence. The cat arched up its back and went Ffffff .... Ffffffff ... Fffffff and before the cat could say F**k the rottwieler ate it.

Wayward Son

06-10-2008, 08:58 PM

Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA,
To her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
Basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have
An intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
Consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during
The commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the
Few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
Everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not
Only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired
Because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently
Hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who wat ch you
Vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the
Hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as
Incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will
Also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and
Explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective
As telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality
Than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
Others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have
Worked for your interview, but now that you actually have
Responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent
Will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial
Evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and
Laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situ ation is unlikely to change without you getting a
Full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation,
However, I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for
You to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is
"I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over
The next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
Unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
Every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to
Get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I
Conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do
Believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the
Administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
Mother's birthday", you neglected to mention that you were going to take
Pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them
Like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say, I have never
Seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have
Been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing
Letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate
Having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
Desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your
Little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never
F*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do
With all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Cecelia

Relapse

06-10-2008, 09:41 PM

Damn. Don't piss off the employees.:D

Wayward Son

06-10-2008, 11:59 PM

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix '
-- Dan Quayle while campaigning

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

Feeling smarter yet?

Wayward Son

06-13-2008, 07:32 PM

"New Arrival"

When the grave-side service had no more than
just finished, there was a tremendous burst of
thunder accompanied by a distant lightning
bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more
lightning.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly
said,

"Well, she's there."

Wayward Son

06-13-2008, 09:22 PM

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?'

Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'

The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'

'Yes.'

'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'

'Yes.'

'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'

'Yes.'

'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500'

Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.' They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'

The hooker replies, '$1,500.'

I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'

The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, 'Sign me up.'

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,

'How much for some pussy?'

The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'

'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'

'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'

Wayward Son

06-14-2008, 12:02 AM

With his request approved, the CBS News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, '

Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CBS Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?'

Wayward Son

06-14-2008, 09:43 AM

"For being named Lantern, he wasn't very bright."

(7 May 2002, Wisconsin) Lantern, 30, enjoyed playing a private game with his wife. He would pull down his pants, place the barrel of a shotgun against his scrotum, and tell her to pull the trigger. They had played this game frequently, to his immense pleasure. The gun was unloaded, of course.

On this pleasant Friday, he was excited to try again. The thrill was even larger because his wife's girlfriend was pulling into the driveway at the time. "Shoot 'em off before she gets here!" Lantern told his wife. She pulled the trigger. But this time, the gun was loaded.

Emergency crews arrived to find Lantern bleeding profusely from his groin, wearing shoes and socks, with his pants down around his ankles. The police were told it was an accident, and the couple didn't know the gun was loaded. Lantern was admitted to the hospital in critical condition, where he survived to earning the indisputible right to the rarest of honors: the Living Darwin Award.

Wayward Son

06-15-2008, 09:23 PM

You learn something everyday...here's your lesson for today:
Manure:

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time some one came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough
off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of
methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T", (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.

Bet you always thought it was a golf term.

Now, the truth.

Marcus

06-15-2008, 10:09 PM

http://www.snopes.com/language/acronyms/shit.asp:p:p:beer:

inletsurf

06-16-2008, 07:22 PM

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2008/6/15jun14-it-will-make-sense.jpg

JLittle44

06-18-2008, 11:47 AM

Nice one.

Gary H

06-25-2008, 09:04 AM

Hurricane Shoes:

Gixxer

06-25-2008, 09:11 AM

#1) What is the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of babies? You can get the babies out the back with pitchforks!

#2) What do you do when your wife is stumbling in the back yard? Hit her with the bat again, she ain't dead yet!!

firefyterx

06-25-2008, 02:37 PM

JLittle44

06-25-2008, 04:52 PM

What is the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of babies? You can get the babies out the back with pitchforks!This reminded me of the old dead baby jokes. You have to have a bit of a twisted sense of humor to laugh at these.

Dead-Baby Jokes
What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.

What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.

What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon?
One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.

What is the difference between a baby and a dart-board?
Dart-boards don't bleed.

What is the difference between a baby and a mars bar?
About 500 calories.

Why did the family take the dead baby along on the cookout?
So they could light it and toast their marshmallows.

Why was the dead baby kept in the kitchen drawer?
The family used it to crack nuts.

Why do people keep dead babies in the rec. room?
They cut off one leg and use it as a ping pong paddle.

Why do you put babies into blenders feet first?
So you can see the expression on their faces.

Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.

How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
It depends on how hard you squeeze them.

How many babies fit in a blender?
Depends on how powerful the blender is.

How do you know when a baby is dead?
It doesn't cry if you nail its feet to the ceiling.

How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.

How do you save a drowning baby?
Harpoon it.

How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof.

How do you turn a baby into a cat?
Freeze it solid, then run it through a bandsaw. Meeow.

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender.
How do you get them out again?
With Doritos.

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off its head.

What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
Blood brothers.

What is red and is creeping up your leg?
An abortion with homesickness.

What is a foot long and can make a woman scream?
Stillbirth.

What is a foot long, blue, and makes women scream in the morning?
Crib death.

What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall?
Art.

What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.

What is blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
Baby with slashed floaties.

What is red and yellow and floats at the top of the pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.

What is red and hangs around trees?
A baby hit by a snow blower.

What is green and hangs around trees?
Same baby 3 weeks later.

What is pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

What is pink and goes black with a "hiss."?
A baby thrown into a furnace.

What is brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.

What is purple, covered in pus, and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

What is black and goes up and down?
A baby in a toaster.

What is red and hangs out of the back of a train?
A miscarriage.

What is red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal.

What is red and swings back and forth?
A baby on a meat hook.

What is red, screams, and goes around in circles?
A baby nailed to the floor.

What is red and sits in the corner?
A baby with razor blades.

What is blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a baggie.

What is black and sits in a corner?
A baby with it's finger in a power socket.

What is green and sits in the corner?
Same baby two weeks later.

What is black and charred?
A baby chewing on an extension cord.

What is black and white, runs around the room, and smokes?
A baby with his hair on fire.

What is blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.

What is cold, blue and doesn't move?
A baby in your freezer.

What is pink, flies and squeals?
A baby fired from a catapult.

What do you call the baby when it lands?
Free pizza.

What is red and has more brains than the baby you just shot?
The wall behind it.

What is white and glows pink?
A dead baby with an electrode up its ass.

What is more fun than nailing a baby to a wall?
Ripping it off again.

What is more fun than throwing a baby off the cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.

What is more fun than swinging babies around on a clothesline?
Stopping them with a shovel.

What is more fun than shoveling dead babies off your porch?
Doing it with a snow blower.

What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.

What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.

What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
A baby with a javelin through its throat.

What is little and can't fit through a door?
A baby with a spear in its head.

What is the definition of fun?
Playing fetch with a pitbull and a baby.

What has 4 legs and one arm?
A doberman on a children's playground.

What has 10 arms and blood all over it?
A pitbull in front of a pile of dead babies.

What is red and pink and hanging out of your dog's mouth?
Your baby's leg.

What present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

What is grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.

Know what's gross?
Running over a baby with a truck.
Know whats worse?
Skidding on it.
Worse than that?
Peeling it off the tires.

What is the worst part about killing a baby?
Getting blood on your clown suit.

JLittle44

06-25-2008, 05:00 PM

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. There was a man who posted ten different puns for friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Wayward Son

07-14-2008, 07:47 PM

Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them.

Little Johnny pointed and said to his mother, "Look at the bowlegged man!"

His mother was embarrassed.

"John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!"

For the next month, Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night.

When his detention was finally over, his mother again took him to the same mall.

Sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.

Had Little Johnny learned anything from reading the great bard, Shakespeare?

As the man approached, Little Johnny cried out,

"Hark! What manner of man is this me sees,
Who wears his balls in parentheses?"

Wayward Son

07-17-2008, 12:03 AM

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
Conversation took place.

First guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
fishing this weekend! I had to promise my wife that I would
paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy:
'That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I'd
build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife
that I'd remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth
guy hasn't said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't
said anything about what you had to do to be able to
come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy smirks and says:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off,
I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her
butt and said: 'Fishing or Sex?

She said:
'Wear sun-block.'

Marcus

07-31-2008, 11:05 AM

World's oldest joke....

It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080731/lf_nm_life/britain_joke_dc_4

Kahuna

07-31-2008, 12:16 PM

I don't get it:slap:

Marcus

09-12-2008, 11:35 AM

THE AMISH ELEVATOR
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady
in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers
above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son.....'Quick, go get your mother'.

JLittle44

09-23-2008, 05:21 PM

I can't believe we missed talk like pirate day again.

Gixxer

10-13-2008, 02:03 AM

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
>
> Here is a little test that will help you decide.
>
> The answer can be found by posing the following
> question:
>
>
> #You're walking down a
> deserted street with your wife
> and
> two small children.
>
> Suddenly, an Islamic
> Terrorist with a huge knife
> comes
> around the corner, locks eyes with you,
> screams obscenities, praises
> Allah, raises the
> knife, and charges at you.
>
> You are carrying a
> Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert
> shot.
>
> You have mere seconds
> before he reaches you and your family. What
> do
> you do?
>
> .................................................. .........
>
>
>
>
> THINK CAREFULLY AND
> THEN SCROLL DOWN:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Democrat's
> Answer :
>
>
> Well, that's not enough information to answer the
> question!
> Does
> the man look poor or oppressed?
> Have I ever done anything to him that
> would inspire
> him to attack?
> Could we run away?
> What does my wife
> think?
> What about the kids?
> Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
> and knock
> the knife out of his hand?
> What does the law say about
> this situation?
> Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into
> it?
> Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
> of message
> does this send to society and to my children?
> Is it possible he'd be
> happy with just killing me?
> Does he defin itely want to kill me, or would
> he be
> content just to wound me?
> If I were to grab his knees and hold
> on, could my
> family get away while he was stabbing me?
> Should I call
> 9-1-1?
> Why is this street so deserted?
> We need to raise taxes, have
> paint and weed day and
> make this happier, healthier street that
> would
> discourage such behavior.
> This is all so confusing! I need to
> debate this with
> some friends for few days and try to come to a
> consensus.
>
>
> .................................................. ................
>
>
>
>
> Republican's
> Answer:
>
>
>
> BANG!
>
>
> .................................................. .
> .........
>
>
>
> Redneck's Answer:
>
>
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
> BANG !
> Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
> BANG! BANG!
> BANG! Click
> Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
> the
> Winchester
> Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
> Son: 'Can I shoot the next
> one?!'
> Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the
> Taxidermist
>
>

Marcus

11-01-2008, 11:35 AM

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him!

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket..and...

The coffin stops

Marcus

11-01-2008, 11:59 AM

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross